“I am myself indifferent honest, but yet I could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not borne me.”
—Hamlet, Act III, Scene I

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”
—Matthew 7:12, New International Version

Full disclosure, I am a post fundamentalist Christian. I claim to be an atheist, but I am steeped in the teachings of fundamentalist, Protestant, evangelical Christianity. Having said that, I think that religious teachings can contain a lot of wisdom. The first question to be asked when discussing forgiveness is, “Who needs forgiveness?” I think one of the reasons that Christianity has had such staying power is that it understands that we all need forgiveness, and religious leaders of all stripes, unfortunately, have preyed on this, throughout human history.

There is also a lot of wisdom in the Golden Rule. “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” The kernel of truth in the Golden Rule isn’t simply that it is a good idea to treat others the way you want to be treated, it’s often impossible to deal positively with others in any way, unless we have first done so for ourselves. If I want to become a forgiving person, the first person I must learn to forgive, is myself.

The first requirement for this process is empathy. If one has no empathy, then none of what I am saying here will make any sense, but if one has empathy, very often the person who is most damaged by a destructive act, is the perpetrator. People who commit evil acts rarely sleep well, and that isn’t just a cliche, or a tale told to scare children into behaving.

Religion provides an easy answer for this. The ultimate victim of every evil act is the assigned deity. So all you need to do is get that deity to forgive you, and you are golden. When I understood that that was a lie, suddenly the entire process of forgiveness became more difficult, and ultimately, more meaningful.

“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
― Lao Tzu

The science is telling us more and more that the brain is a muscle. The ancient wisdom is true, what we think and say matters, thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits, and habits become character. People that live a life defined by anger and revenge are not only unpleasant to be around, that anger and that desire for revenge corrodes the person for whom anger and revenge becomes a way of life. It is unpleasant and unhealthy, rather like living on top of a leaking, toxic dump.

Forgiveness and gratitude on the other hand, are a joy to live close to. They bring healing. Entire religions are founded on this core principle, that every human needs and craves forgiveness, and every life is enriched by gratitude. But why is this true? What makes anger and revenge destructive, and forgiveness and gratitude their opposites? The most obvious answer is that anger and revenge are themselves violent and destructive, while forgiveness and gratitude are not, but there is a more subtle answer.

Anger and revenge are oppositional, and represent a path that is blocked by something that must be destroyed. Forgiveness and gratitude are a way of removing barriers and clearing a forward path. Revenge depends on factors that are often not in our control, while forgiveness and gratitude are most often well within our control. Anger is often a product of the frustration felt at being unable to reach an objective. For reasons which should be perfectly obvious, revenge is often neither a good idea, nor is it obtainable, not without resorting to actions which are illegal, immoral, and often both.

But the fact that forgiveness and gratitude are possible, does not mean that they are always easy. Far from it.